anonymity is your friend

Where did February go?

2009-03-07T05:20:47Z

Okay, so more like, where did I go during February.

Thinking back on it, nothing interesting really happened. I applied for a couple of accounting internships and sadly didn't get any -_-' As an alternative, I'll probably take summer classes for my own personal development. And like I say every year, try to find a part-time job or something.

The big news this month though, PUPPY! Hopefully, when I go up next weekend, I'll come home with a new puppy. I spent most of today going shopping for puppy things: bed, food, treats, toys, stain remover. Words over the internet cannot describe how excited I am!

Do over, please?

2009-01-20T06:48:55Z

Ugh, when does the doubting ever stop?

Second semester started last week, and once again I find myself questioning what I want to do in life. Lately it seems like my brother has been trying to push me towards doing something that I love. He said that wealth doesn't mean happiness. But to me, wealth means freedom.

I don't really have a goal in life except to be comfortable and happy. I think that that's everyone's dream really, when you get down to it. It's just of course everyone is made happy and content by different things, be it fame and fortune, love and friendship, etc.

I took a career aptitude test before and it showed that I would get satisfaction out of being a horticulturist. When I was little, I sometimes thought that it'd be nice to move out to the country side and be a farmer. But that was before I realized what the agriculture industry was really like.

I do know that I enjoy sitting outside in the backyard and just watching the birds and squirrels. I don't think of anything except what I observe. It's peaceful and relaxing, stress-free. I also enjoy a good day of hard labor outside. Today I cut down a couple birch trees and cleaned up a part of the backyard that had been over run with vine and dead leaves for over ten years.

I'm a person that likes being able to see the actual progress made. So the dirty-to-clean transition really pleases me. The physical labor envigorates and by the end of the day I have a sense of accomplishment.

So now what my dream, or whimsical fantasy, is to move to a ranch or kind of secluded estate where I could do stuff like tend to the land and enjoy nature.

But going back to what my brother has been saying, do something that makes you happy. I guess it's because that's what he's trying to do now. He plans to start an online t-shirt business with his friends.

I too want to be self-employed and own my own business. Given the background I have in accounting, I'll be better off once I do have my own business, whatever it may be.

See, I don't really want to be an accountant, but it's the quickest way to reach a level of financial security. Right out of college, I'll be able to make ~$50,000 a year. Of course, I'm going to have to work really hard and long hours.

I better start planning for a future that I will enjoy. This ends my rambling.

A New Year, A New Me?

2009-01-02T09:50:51Z

Probably not, but hopefully an improved me.

After reading previous years' resolutions, I kind of feel that it's unnecessary to post them this year as they are the same things: exercise, get a job, maintain relationships.

In terms of exercise and fitness, it's rather sad. Over the break, my idea of exercising was walking for a mile on the treadmill while I played Dragon Quest IV on my DS, which took a little less than an hour.

Personally, I'd rather prefer to get my exercise in the form of group sports. But I haven't participated in anything like that since Freshman year and always felt awkward during practices like I was holding everyone behind or something (which isn't so much truth as it is insecurity and low self-esteem). I'm pretty competitive and take things pretty seriously so competitive sports are kind of a mixed bag for me. If I perform well, then I feel good and enjoy all the physical exertion. If I do poorly, I get angry and frustrated at myself and just want to beat on something.

But yeah, I really need to do something because while I'm not getting fat, I worry about putting on weight as a couple extra pounds on a small body like mine just doesn't look good. That and I like being healthy, so I should work on cardio...We'll see if next year's resolution is to also exercise.

In terms of a getting a job, now's the time that I have to start applying for summer internships...yay. Of course I'll apply to the Big 4 for internships as they hire the most interns, offer good experience/training, and tend to hire recent graduates from those who have interned. A family acquaintance works as a (foreign) recruiter for PWC and gave me her contact info to help along with the process. Hopefully when summer rolls around, I'll be interning and earning some cash (no way am I gonna take an internship for college credit cuz then I'd be paying for them to employ me basically).

Maintaining relationships will be hard as my college friends will be graduating this year and moving back home or getting jobs. Even my high school friends might not be coming home after graduating. And when I say high school friends I really only mean, two friends as I've just lost interest in the rest of the group. *shrug* Hmm, guess I should try to meet more people this year. But that pretty much leaves me with accounting kids...hmmm

One thing about the new year that I'm definitely looking forward to: puppy! I contacted a breeder a while ago and the litter is due in January and can go home in March. I still miss my dog on lonely days and long for that easy companionship associated with having a pet.

Anyway, here's hoping that 2009 is a good year!

back from the dead

2008-12-29T11:50:01Z

well, kinda...

Wow, this was a dead month in terms of posts, but that of course does not mean that I wasn't busy or that interesting stuff wasn't happening. Christmas was Christmas like usual, did most of my shopping online. I had to double-gift since I skipped some people's birthdays. But because I was able to get a lot of stuff on sale, I was able to give more to everyone, which makes me and everyone else happy I think.

Sometimes I wonder if my dad wishes that I was a more typical daughter with a more feminine attitude along with "daddy's little girl" complex. My parents got divorced when I was around seven. Even though I used to see my dad regularly, after a certain point, my oldest brother stepped in to fill the father-figure role. Because of that, I'm fairly certain that I have a heavy brother-complex (mixed with a psuedo father-complex).

Growing up with two older brothers and a mom who's not a typical woman, I grew up pretty tomboyishly. Juxtapose that with my dad's concept of what young women are supposed to be like a la cute Japanese girls and you get some pretty funny reactions.

When my dad came over to drop off Christmas presents, my brother showed him his pet black widow spider (don't ask). He was explaining that roughly only 5% of those bitten die. My dad said, "Let's try it on CactusDog. Here, give us your arm." To which I replied, "If I get bitten, I'm gonna suck the poison out and spit it in your eye." I didn't say it with malice, but more like an attitude of "well it only seems fair." My dad laughed and said, "Geez, how cruel!"

Yes, I'm definitely not the cutesy, doting daughter my dad might have hoped for, but I'm sure he enjoys telling these stories to the ubercute-acting female Japanese students at his language school.

出来ました！

2008-12-01T09:10:51Z

Phew, I barely made it this year. I'm most proud of the 10,000 words day I had towards the end. When you think about it, 50,000 words really isn't *that* much over 30 days. But with all the other things going on in life, it can be pretty hard to stay motivated and focused. Surprisingly, depsite the midterms and group meetings, this second half of the semester wasn't as bad as the first.

I still have reservations about long stories. I know that I tend to get lazy and my writing just goes to hell. And then I get really lazy and just start writing straight dialogue. *Ugh* lol

But I had fun writing this one. I did a lot of the research work and almost all of the notes and outline back in August, so I was pretty set to just go. It's a dystopian story because I just love dystopian societies. I would never want to live in one since I already know what it's like to live with all sorts of unhindered freedoms. But maybe if I was born into such a society, maybe I wouldn't be so opposed to it...

One more week of classes filled with crazy amounts of group project stuff. Then another week of finals and then I'm free!

On a random note, I really like Korean rap. I've been listening to Epik High for the past couple of days. I just think that the language lends itself really well to the music style. Yeah I have no idea what's going on in the song, but it still sounds damn good to me. But I like Epik High in particular because of the unexpectedly melodic music they pair the raps with. And then there's sometimes female vocals which just make it better in juxtaposition to Tablo and Mithra.

Here's to one last week of the semester!

worst week ever...

2008-11-08T11:08:21Z

and no, I'm not talking about the show.

Okay, those midterms sucked major ass. Tax felt like it went okay, but there were so many tricky parts to it, that I don't want to get my hopes up. And then my oral midterm for Japanese sucked since I got all flustered. Financial Accounting was just so terrible I ended up turning in my exam early to just get out of there and away from the frustration. Finally the written Japanese midterm went well, but that's nothing special.

What the fuck! I swear with this 7.5 week semester shit for accounting classes, I'm going crazy. I've had...8 midterms and 2 finals plus 2 big group projects and it's only the 11th week. I still have 3 big group projects, another midterm and 3 more finals before I can be finally done with this bullshit semester.

And to top off one of the best weeks ever, and I mean ever! was that I got into a car accident. Yeah, I know!

I'm not gonna go into the details since the claim is still open (I guess), but both parties were fine and I've been assured that I wasn't at fault.

But a couple of things:
1. The other driver didn't have insurance
2. It will cost $3,000 - 4,000 to fix my car

1. Okay, seriously what the fuck for this one. It's illegal to drive without insurance in California! Now it's not that bad for me since I have really good insurance, but if you don't have insurance because you can't afford it, then maybe you shouldn't own a car...which goes along the same lines of if you know you can't pay the mortgage and utilities necessary for a home, maybe you shouldn't apply for a loan. Don't go blaming the banks that approved you. You should know better than to ask for a loan in the first place. Save up some money or seek better employment opportunities. Invest in yourself first as a person before you invest in tangible assets. What's up with people not understanding things about responsibility?

2. The appraiser said that there was no damage to my engine, which is a relief, but $4,000 for the body work, ouch! Of course, my insurance will cover it, but we still have to pay the deductible. That and I have to find a new body shop since the place we used to go to closed. And then there's also the fact that I have to trouble my mom to drive me to and pick me up from school...

Ugh, on top of everything else, I really didn't need this.

Where're the words?

2008-11-04T09:48:32Z

Hmm, perhaps not the best start...

So this week I happen to have 3 midterms...
Tomorrow - Tax
Wednesday - Japanese Oral
Friday - Financial Reporting & Japanese Written

Considering that we didn't cover a lot of the testable material in class thanks to an overzealous girl that would not stop asking super-specific situational questions and the fact that I have trouble with how the professor presents the material, means that this will probably be one of the harder tests...Maybe a good thing if everyone else does badly on it as well.

Because as I've come to find out since entering the accounting school, people don't wish to ace the test, they just hope that everyone does worse than them.

So yea, all this studying and a group meeting and other assignments that need to be turned in, means my word meter hasn't progressed since Sunday :( But at least it was a pretty good head start, so I don't have to worry as much about falling behind.

Also something that kind of annoys me (there are so many), is that I didn't have an oral test partner (no one signed up for the same time as me) so my partner is sensei...which is awkward imo. Maybe it's that low self-esteem that hides within my seemingly confident self, but I can't help but get the feeling that they don't like me. I'm like that shunned kid for no apparent reason...I guess it's just frustrating having these unfounded feelings of inadequacy.

NaNoWriMo 2008

2008-11-02T05:29:40Z

Here we go!

So I thought this story up in August and have been saving it for NaNoWriMo since I felt it had the potential to easily meet the 50,000 word mark. I'm not promising it'll be absolute gold or even original, but I do promise that it's me who's writing it and I'll try my best to actually write this one until the end.

so many children

2008-11-01T07:41:33Z

Halloween was craaaazy!

Okay, so I've probably mentioned it in previous years on Halloween, but I live in a neighborhood that sees 450+ kids from 6:30 - 8:00 pm. I'm pretty sure more show up after that, but my mom only buys 450 pieces.

This year though, my brother's ex-girlfriend, brought over a bunch of anime mini-stuff that they want to liquidate. She had maybe 1500+ little things like keychains, little figures, erasers, etc.

We were out there from 6:30 - 9:00 giving out stuff until we had to stop because we were totally tired. That and after a certain point it becomes teenagers that really should be spending Halloween at home giving out candy *ahem* or going to parties with friends instead of trying to score free candy with lame costumes.

It was interesting because as you know, the economy isn't so hot. And I've noticed that typically when times are hard, we get more trick-or-treaters, particularly adults. But there was a significantly lower amount of houses giving out candy on our street and in the neighborhood in general (since my brother did a little foot patrol). Almost like every other house wasn't giving out candy...

Initially we gave candy and the toys, one each to a person. And it was the younger children from families in the neighborhood mostly. It was kind of slow then. But when we ran out of candy around 7:30, we just gave the toy portion. And most of the people were older (like middle school age) from dare I say lower income homes. Some people were excited, others were like, "Whea da candy at?" And other people sounded upset that we gave them something other than candy.

*cue rant*
Who the fuck are you to go out and receive things for free from goodwilled/goodnatured people when economic times are hard and you don't have to worry about working because all you do is slack off in your public school classes, and then get upset at what we give you? Fucking grow up already and let's see if you'll be decent enough to have something to give to young children on their first Halloween experience.

My mom isn't rich. She does well enough for us, but there are things other than candy that would be money well spent. But part of the reason why she chose to live on the street that we do was because of all the trick-or-treaters. She loves to give out candy. So it just pisses me off when these jackasses that are really too old to be trick-or-treating and totally lack any imagination and effort in terms of costumes, come to get candy and then complain or try to negotiate.

On another note, here's to the beginning of NaNoWriMo. Hopefully this year is as successful if not more so than last year. Of course, given that I'm totally swamped this semester and had absolutely nothing to do last year, I'm wondering just how possible 50,000 words is...

Unnecessary Cruelty

2008-10-26T06:05:03Z

It's a pretty scary thing.

I was walking to class on Friday and I noticed a pillbug/rollie-pollie walking away from the grass and travelling further onto the sidewalk. For the briefest moment, I really wanted to step on it...I don't know why or what I thought that would achieve. Maybe put it out of its misery? Satisfy some sort of sadistic need?

Luckily I stopped myself before I stepped on it. But it was scary that I could feel that way for no apparent reason. That I would want to inflict harm on some helpless thing that would achieve nothing for either party involved.

It's kind of scary because I have these flashes every now and then. Where I think very seriously about doing something malicious for no apparent reason. I think it's mostly that I can't figure out why I feel that way or have the need to do it.

Maybe I watched too much Law & Order or something, but there's a fear that I'm a borderline sociopath/psychopath or something. But is it the same if I wouldn't gain any pleasure from it?

Pretty scary to not know this about yourself, at least in my opinion since I feel that I know myself pretty well.

Been a while

2008-10-23T06:42:26Z

But I was doing really productive stuff, I promise.

Like getting A- in both accounting classes! I had my finals last week and I had my first leisurely weekend in like what seems forever. All my intense studying for my External Financial Reporting Issues class paid off. 360/400 pts when the average was 317.91. Thank God too, because honestly, I must have spent like 7-10 hrs studying and preparing for the final.

My other final, the one for Accounting Information Systems wasn't that hard and it was kind of like one of those tests that you just can't study for. All you can do is do practice problems and now how the procedures work. So I wasn't really expecting to do badly on it, but it was nice to see that I did better than my peers (78 whie the average was 67).

Because when grades are dished out based on a curve, being better than your peers is all that matters. Success is just one more thing that helps me feel better about my decision to stick with an accounting degree.

My friend was complaining to me the other day about his classes. He hates his classes, his teachers, and his assignments. He always has trouble with them and doesn't enjoy the material at all. Which makes me wonder why he chose what he did if it's making him so miserable. Perhaps he should just give up on his engineering degree and find something that interests him more and is more fulfilling at least. Because seriously, he's been unhappy for the past year. But considering that he's graduating in the spring, perhaps it's a bit too late...

Now I'm off to do my Individual Income Tax reading. So stimulating!

Yay for the weekend

2008-10-04T07:00:01Z

Except, in this case, it's not really any different from the week...

It seems that lately all I do is whine and complain...so why should this post be any different? lol So basically I'm swamped this weekend.

Saturday I have a Group A meeting at 11 and no known end time. But I'm hoping maybe 2 hrs at most because I want to get out of there before traffic becomes a nightmare. I'm kind of even worried if I'll be able to find parking...

And Sunday, well Sunday is just ridiculous. Group A meeting at 11 again. Group B meeting at 1:30. Group C meeting at 7. Party at Leavey...yay?

Oh, and not to mention that I had a horrible midterm this morning followed by Group B meeting for a couple hours.

I always used to wonder who all the people were using the collaboration rooms in the library. Now I know. It's the accounting kids. Seems even more so than the business majors. Every time I go for a group meeting, I see classmates all over the place. Waiting in front of the library, going up and down stairs, coming in and out of collab rooms. Shit, Leventhal should have a much better library than that small 50 person max cap study room...

In a way, I can't wait until I start working. Because with all this work I do preparing for classes and doing research and prepartion for group meetings makes me wish that I had set office hours and overtime benefits.

I know, I know. I'll be eating those words in a couple years. But for the moment, I can hope, right?

$40/hr

2008-09-26T04:12:15Z

It's pretty hard to beat!

I participated in a medical study today. It took about two hours and in return I got compensated $80. I just had to fill out some forms, get my neck scanned, had blood taken, breath in and out into a tube, and finally spit into a container. Not much work at all.

The hardest part though was the blood test. I'm not afraid of blood or needles, so that didn't bother me at all. It was the fasting for 12 hrs prior to giving blood.

I'm one of those people that needs to eat breakfast otherwise my energy levels are unbalanced the rest of the day (so I think). No midnight snacks and no breakfast. I also have this possible ulcer/over-productive acid gland thing that gives me pretty bad stomach pains among other things...So, no food in there to absorb the acid didn't make the beginning of the day that pleasant.

So on top of having no food, I had to give blood (that was the whole point of no food). But I'm not a very big person that can give up a cup of blood like it's nothing. I didn't pass out or get lightheaded or anything, but it made me drowzy like crazy!

Even more so because when I got back from my blood test which was a good walk away, I was told to lay down on the exam table so they could scan my neck. The room was dark and quiet. I took a five minute nap.

I'm proud of myself for not napping when I got home, but I'm feeling it pretty strongly now. It's too early to actually go to bed and it's too late to take a nap that won't keep me up into the early hours of morning. Hmm, but I know for a fact that I won't get anything, productive or non-productive, done in this state...NAP!

I survived

2008-09-24T08:55:55Z

But I got a blister, a sore arm, and a bruised ego after it was all done.

Tonight was meet the firms. It's a career fair at night meant specifically for accounting majors since it's primarily accounting firms. Of course there were the big four and the main mid-tier firms. Every gets dressed up in their funereal black suits with resume-filled folders in hand as they walk from booth to booth shaking hands and smiling.

I was really dreading it. I'm not a very outgoing person (read: introvert to the extreme), but I'm getting better. Still, I was super nervous going into it. I tried to do a little research on the firms I was interested in, but Fall is not the time to inquire about internships. I know that, but I'm a junior and that's what I'm looking for. So I'll definitely prepare better and attend the Spring Meet the Firms, hopefully as part of one of the accounting societies.

The coolest sounding position was Special Agent with the IRS. The guy said straight out that you carry a badge and gun and that he was armed at the time we were talking. Pretty interesting, it's a combination of law enforcement and accounting, but I think a little more on the law enforcement side. Being a government agency, the benefits and security are also good. The only problem is that they're not really hiring because of budget cuts.

The place that interested me in terms of work/life balance was PwC. The rep I spoke with was in tax and had a family that was her priority. So she told me how she was able to make it home every night for her 3yo bed time. Also just the flextime is good. And of course it's PwC which will allow for good training and experience as it's one of the big four.

The firm rep that gave me the most help and insight was from KPMG. He spent a good fifteen minutes (it seemed at least) just talking with me about accounting related things. He also helped me out with what they look for in internship candidates.

There were times when I did/said some stupid things which I'm finding occurs more often when I'm asked questions. But I also gained a lot of useful experience. I'm kind of looking forward to the spring mtf.

Okay, definitely gotta go to sleep because I have an early and long day starting at 8am and ending at 4 along with a Japanese oral midterm in the middle.

i wish ;(

2008-09-23T07:10:58Z

For a moment I was incredibly happy because I thought it was Wednesday... Yeah, definitely disappointed to remember that it was only Monday and I still have the week ahead of me. :( xinfinity

Only enough time in the night to write that.

it was like 'bleh'

2008-09-21T06:15:07Z

Today was one of those days where I felt all restless and unfocused.

I slept pretty early considering that it was a Friday night last night. I ended up staying at home. I'm not really that concerned with all the crime that's been occurring around campus (even though I know I should), but I just didn't really feel like going out. I think it was because I was running errands through out the week.

But I fell asleep around midnight and woke up at ten. So I was kind of groggy the whole day because I slept too much, but I had enough energy to do things, but just not enough focus to concentrate. Ugh, see! Just look at that previous sentence. What a nightmare! I wanted to write something, but I couldn't get myself to sit down and type. I wanted to play the guitar, but couldn't find anything I wanted to play. I wanted to get some work done, but didn't feel like pulling out my notebooks.

Along with the whole unfocus of the day, I was excited because I got an email from one of the breeders I had contacted. The new litter is in! can you say cute? Okay, so I admit they look like fat sausages at the moment, but give them some time. My mom always likes to point out that I was an ugly baby the day I was born, but I'm oh so beautiful now. Of course I think she always views me through that "mother" filter. So hopefully, if things go well, I'll send a deposit and meet the puppies in a few weeks.

To sum up what my day was like though, I calculated this oh-so scientific equation:
(excess of energy + inability to concentrate) ^ excitement = frustration

I ended up getting nothing done except getting through half of the winter season in the new Harvest Moon game for the DS.

Hmm, maybe I've regained some focus afterall. I was able to actually concentrate enough to post this...

This week is shaping up to be just like the ones before it: BUSY! Tomorrow I have a group meeting for one of our accounting assignments. Monday there's a presentation by Citigroup. Tuesday night I have Meet the Firms where I have to be all professional and dress up and walk around shaking hands and handing out resumes. Wednesday I have my Japanese oral midterm. Thursday...I'm sure I have something. Friday I have my Japanese written midterm.

Ugh, why couldn't I have chosen something simple and easy like my brothers. I swear, history and sociology? WTF!?

As I'm forced to sit through these incredibly dry and technical classes relating to accounting, I've given deep thought to what it is exactly that makes me so angry with having chosen accounting as my major.

I loved taking GE courses. I thought they were fascinating and informative and really helped me in terms of intellectual growth. Professors presented material and asked you questions that really made you think or made you interested in the different interpretations and understandings of a subject. To put it simply, the material and classes were INTERESTING!

Accounting stuff is so boring. I'm sure that all science fields have boring classes because they're not teaching you about broad topics or concepts. They're running you through the nitty gritty of processes and procedures that need to be followed. It's dry dry material presented in a totally unengaging fashion. It's the type of stuff that you can learn by just reading a textbook.

When I was little, I saw college as my opportunity to learn about all those things that I had always wanted to learn about. I could do things like take guitar and music classes. I could finally formally learn Japanese. I could be in psychology lectures that would help me better understand why people are the way they are. I could take engineering and programming lessons to fnally figure out why and how things work. As nerdy as it sounds, I could not wait to get to college just so that I could learn!

But here I am, forced to stay within my requirement-and-unit-heavy field of study. My many enthusiastic intellectual pursuits curtailed by the staggering list of pre-requisites. Had I the freedom of future worries, I'm very sure that I'd be undeclared for five years just like my brother. But I don't and I'm not. I'm a forward-planning future accountant that right now wishes she wasn't so prepared for what lies ahead.

seriously been busy

2008-09-11T05:48:32Z

Classes started over two weeks ago, and seriously, this is the first time I've had a free night.

It's crazy how much work I have to do, but there are a lot of factors contributing to this seemingly overwhelming period.

1. I haven't been a full time student since the end of Spring 2007 semester.

2. It's been over a year since I learned the basic accounting stuff.

3. First semester of upper division accounting courses is always the toughest since it's meant to weed out those who aren't dedicated.

4. Accounting classes are only 7.5 weeks vs. the normal 15 week semester.

5. Accounting classes have group projects due at least once a week.

On the bright side, this will (hopefully) be my hardest semester as I get back into the groove of things and adjust to the accounting class cycle.

On the dark side, I'm sick of doing all this work and seriously makes me regret choosing this as my major. But like I've discussed in previous posts, I'm pretty well fit to do work in accounting and I kind of seem to enjoy it while at the same time I have an always open market in which to sell my skills and knowledge.

But yeah. Along with all the group meetings, long reading assignments and 8am classes, I'm just trying to hang in there. I celebrate the end of the week as it brings me one week closer to the end of the semester.

One of the negatives (and trust me, there are many!) to 4 7.5 week classes in the semester is that you have twice the amount of tests and projects going on. For each accounting class I have a group. Each group has an assignment due. Each class has at least two quizzes which are more like midterms and a final. Also add to that my business communication class in which we have to give presentations in.

The other bad thing that's really annoying, is the textbook issue. Since you technically have double the class load, you also have double the books. And considering that accounting is a "science" the required books are expensive ass textbooks. My textbook expense this year, even buying things used or cheaply through Amazon and not through the university bookstore: ~$700. Like I really needed to spend that much on books alone on top of one of the most expensive tuitions in the country? Thanks.

Yay for periods of nothingness!

2008-08-06T23:24:06Z

Hmm, even I don't know if that's really sarcasm or how I honestly feel...sad.

Anyway, this will be my second week of official Summer Vacation. Only two more left after since university always starts late August. So one thing I've been doing to keep myself busy is researching dogs.

It's been over four months since we put Trilby to sleep. I know it doesn't seem like that much time has passed for me to be ready, but honestly, I think it's harder to not have a dog currently. I have nothing that requires my attention, so my mind wanders to the times I had her to play with. I keep thinking of her, and while it might just be the normal progression of grieving, it's just too depressing. And for someone like me who I guess is pretty prone to depression, regret and emotionally bottling things up inside, it's not a good day when I get reminded of Trilby, which is a lot.

It's hard, trying to find that right place between grieving the loss of a pet or the passing of a loved one. But I think it's time that I start again. I don't want to use the term 'move on' because it just sounds so...harsh? Like 'move on and forget what's behind you since it's in the past.'

But I've been researching dogs and I'm relatively set on getting a miniature Australian Shepherd. I'd always wanted a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, but when my mom found out how much they shed, she kind of hinted that she wasn't nearly as thrilled. So I went for another herding dog since I'm confident in their temperment, intelligence and activity level.

When I was little, I used to pass afternoons watching Animal Planet and was fascinated by Agility competitions. And typical breeds were Border Collies and Australian Shepherds, both herding dogs. Except I've read that Border Collies can be pretty intense (not to say that individual Australian Shepherds can't be either) but I'm not confident if I can handle that.

I mean I whittled down a long list. Pretty much I based it on breeds that I was interested and that I could handle taking care of. Then I rated them on Health, Temperment, Shedding and Activity. Some dogs on the list: Australian Cattle Dog, Basenji, Dachshund, Corgi, Westie, Mini Aussie Shepherd. No dog was perfect, but I came to a decision.

I get the impression that most standard Australian Shepherd owners look down on miniature Aussies. A lot of it has to do with the fact that dog is meant for selfish owners. It's true that I do prefer the miniature over the standard because smaller dogs have an easier time in smaller space, don't require as much in terms of expenses, are easier to handle (especially for smaller handlers) and (hopefully) produce less shed hair.

Of course there's always the possibility of mixing in smaller breeds or breeding runts of the litter together which ultimately produce a genetically impure or genetically flawed breed.

And I can't deny that those reasons are a bit selfish. But I didn't go out of my way to genetically breed a smaller standard. What's next, people are going to tell me I can't marry a small/short man because it will create a smaller generation of persons? And just because I'm small (shortest of my family at 5'2") doesn't mean I'm genetically defected. I'm just as hearty (if not more so) than my 5'8" and 5'10" brothers. So I don't really understand that 'runt of the litter' opinion.

But I've been reading up and researching the dog and possible breeders. I found and contacted one that I'm really interested in, but there are a couple of issues. 1) They are located in NorCal with a 7-8hr drive and that's without stopping every hour or two for a puppy-break. 2) The next litter is slated for Fall, when I'll be well into classes at university.

I think the timing is about right though for me to have a dog. I'm still living at home with a nice backyard. I'm still in college and not working +40 hr weeks. This dog will be with me until I'm around 30, so if I'm industrious enough I'll already have a small home of my own.

I've never had a puppy before, Trilby was my first dog afterall, but in her later years required a lot of attention: late night potty trips, cleaning up accidents in the house, helping her walk outside, supervision and attentiveness to her needs. I just worry that I'll maybe raise it incorrectly and both of us will have a limited relationship because of my mistakes...but I guess that's maybe what every 'parent' worries about when raising a 'child'.

Depressed :(

2008-07-16T08:42:47Z

No point in beating around the bush.

My days are boring and monotonous. I wake up, drive to school, sit in class for three hours, drive home, putter around, sleep, and reset for another boring day. I know it's my fault it's like that, but typically the mental stimulation in my Japanese class has been enough until now.

We spent four days studying the same thing...everyday! この道をまっすぐ行って、三つ目のしんごうで右にまがってください。喫茶店はかどから、二けん目です。 Everyday for four days straight and three hours a day! I think though that the worst part is that my classmates are only now just understanding it wihch really pisses me off. Honestly, how hard is it to take notes and review a little bit?

Which then takes me to another point of annoyance. They seem so young to me. Now I know I'm not that old at 21, but I've always been hyper-aware of age differences in social settings. I'm extremely ageist (among other things). I find it easy to defer to my elders (I think being the youngest of three did it). And I therefore think that youngsters should show more respect to their elders.

And me being older, look down on them in distain when I hear them talk about SAT scores, GPAs and BAND! Not a day passes where they don't talk about BAND. My high school was private and relatively small, so therefore no marching band. But I just feel that there's more to life than grades and brass.

I look back on myself when I was younger and feel disgusted sometimes. The things that I thought were so important back then, I just scoff and want to shake my younger me by the shoulders and yell, "There are more important things! Grow up!" And I'm sure when I'm older and look back on these types of posts, I'll get annoyed with all the things I thought were important as well.

But that's me rambling about the kids in class who are still in high school and thinking about taking their standardized tests.

There have also been issues going on at home. My mom hasn't had a job in over twenty years despite being a single mother of three for at least fifteen years. The reason we can live so well is because of her mother, my grandmother. My grandparents did quite well and then invested their money, so basically we're supported by my grandmother, something that I've always been aware of.

I feel that whenever family and money become intertwined it makes things a lot more difficult. Basically, we (especially my mom) can't do anything that will displease her.

Case in point:

A month ago my brother came down from San Francisco for a visit. Our grandmother gave him something to deliver to her sister. Only now has he gotten around to doing it. Now, I think it's also safe to say that she's never been quire fond of him. She's had to pay for over 19 years of private education for him, and I'm sure you've read my rants of him living in a studio apartment and owning a car in one damn expensive city. And for all her financing, he hasn't really "done" anything for her, as she puts it.

He doesn't reflect well on her or do anything that benefits her. And with the economy being what it is lately, she's getting nervous (understandable) about her finances. So she said in a fit of anger that she won't finance his last semester in San Francisco. And my mom got upset at her for that and other reasons.

So my mom's been kind of shut in lately, dealing with her anger and issues that she has with her mother. My oldest brother has been keeping to himself when at home and spending a lot of time running around with his friends. So it just leaves me with myself and I'm missing having a dog in the house to deal with the loneliness, boredom and stress.

Today I came home in a bad mood because class was a waste of time, my classmates were being dumb, I got a bad migraine during all of it and I couldn't park in front of my own house when I got home. But I got home and saw the neighbors cat in the backyard. I spent about a half hour petting it. When I got up to go inside, my migraine had subsided and I felt as if the day's stress drifted away. Thinking back, that's exactly what I would do with Trilby. I'd come home from class and stroll around the backyard with her. I wasn't as tightly wound when I came back in.

So all this stress and boredom causes me to get frazzled. I try to fill my free time with my hobbies, but I'm distracted and can't maintain focus. This then leads me to get incredibly frustrated with myself. And then I get depressed that this is what my life is like. I get angry at myself that this is the way that I am.

So this was me getting it on paper and off my chest. Maybe things will get better soon.

Here we go

2008-07-03T08:17:40Z

No energy to be clever or indulgent.

AX08 Setup today.
Only slept 4 hours.
Worked 12 hours.
Part-time staff not helpful.
CactusDog greatly annoyed.
Only 6 hours of sleep to look forward to.

Damn I

2008-06-24T06:59:45Z

As in the element Iodine.

After some observations, I realized that I'm allergic to shrimp and crab. Not to the point where I die, but I break out which is still no fun. Which explains why whenever I go up to San Francisco for family things, my skin looks pretty rough.

So last night me and my brother cooked dinner for our dad, a late Father's Day dinner. Tacos Al Pastor and Scallop Ceviche. Okay, so my brother did most the cooking and I did all the washing...Anyway, I knew that I was allergic to shrimp and crab, but aside from those I don't each much shellfish. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I shouldn't eat so much of the ceviche, but I really like the fried/baked corn tortillas we ate it on.

Tomorrow becomes today. And my face is all jacked up. Fantastic. So basically we figure it's the iodine.

It's not so bad considering that I don't like clams and mussels, I've never eaten lobster, crab's a bit too difficult/costly for me to eat enough to learn to enjoy it, and shrimp I have a kind of love/hate relationship after being fed it too much and not feeling too well afterwards.

Like the way it is with most things you know you can't have though, I now have a craving for shrimp. Every Red Lobster commercial makes me wish that I knew where a Red Lobster was located so I could enjoy their summer special of shrimp and lobster!

Aside from this and my lactose intolerance, I guess there's worse things to be allergic to. Like my cousins and their family, it's nuts and seafood and caffeine and dairy.

It gives me hope

2008-06-21T08:36:50Z

for humanity.

Today I was bringing in the trashcans, pulling one in each hand up the driveway, when I begin to feel one rock and tilt. "Oh no," I say jokingly to myself as it fell slowly onto its side. Apparently someone was there to hear me though because up runs this young Asian girl (maybe middle school to high school age). Without a word, she quickly helps me right the fallen trashcan. I say thank you and get an almost quiet "you're welcome" before she returns to the sidewalk as if she had just kept walking.

So this post is for you, anonymous good samaritan! Thanks!

Is it even worth it?

2008-06-19T05:39:15Z

Neither posting nor reading.

*sigh* it's boring here.

Nothing interesting happened today.

No interesting thoughts or observations to share.

Nothing to rant about.

It's just boring.

Unclench

2008-06-18T06:07:41Z

I don't know, maybe teeth grinding?

Lately my jaw has been hurting. Not like the pain of a cavity or related gum/tooth problems. This seems more like a really sore muscle. Now I haven't been chewing much gum because I don't want to make it worse, but it doesn't seem to be getting better.

I think I'm probably grinding my teeth in my sleep, or it might be the angle that I'm holding my head. Either way, it's annoying. I wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, open my mouth wide to get in there and BAM! strained muscle kind of feeling.

When I was young, I used to get this thing where spit (?) would build up around the area where my jaw joint is and it'd hurt in a throbbing type of pain. So I had to hold warm water and lemon juice in my mouth to break it up. I haven't had it since I was like six...Hmmm, maybe I should try it.

It just really takes the pleasure out of eating. That was the main reason that I got my two lower wisdom teeth removed. They were growing all wonky back there, probably impacted or something, so every now and then they'd get infected. The gum surrounding them would be swollen and tender, and if I applied enough pressure to the gum, pus would come out.

Pretty gross, right? So infection aside, it also ruined meals for me because it was a pain to open my mouth and I couldn't chew with my back teeth which are the ones you do most of your chewing with.

And I'm pretty damn sure it's not a cavity because I've had a lot of those and am familiar with the pain. So my dental hygiene as a child was less than stellar and I liked sweet things (desserts, candy) and didn't drink much milk. My soft baby teeth just attracted cavities like crazy.

Probably 70% of my baby teeth had either fillings or cavities. I used to go in to the dentists so often that I fell alseep while he filled in the cavities. I would go with my mom after school, so I was already a bit sleepy. I also have the ability to fall asleep anywhere (on tables, on chairs, under tables, in cars, etc.) and I had pretty much grown immune to the drill sound. So I'd be sitting back in the chair with my mouth all open and taking an afternoon nap. Every now and then Dr. Rick would say, "a little wider, please."

But I haven't been to the dentist in about 8 years I think (oral surgeon not counted). And while I do take better care of my teeth, I'm sure I still have cavities or a receding gum line or something unpleasant going on in my mouth. But this weird jaw pain isn't connected.

So yea, maybe you didn't really wanna read all about my experiences with my mouth, but there it is for you to read and then compare yourself.

School's out for the summer

2008-06-17T07:25:14Z

but not because I had my first day of summer session.

I haven't had to wake up any earlier than 9:00 for a while now (lucky me! also lazy me...) but since I had to try and add a class, my day started earlier than normal for me, which kind of sucked because I couldn't get to sleep until 4:00 am...And in the end I didn't get the class and spent a couple of hours reading Natsume Soseki's Kokoro in the library.

At least my Japanese class was interesting. Although I wouldn't necessarily call it challenging at the moment, I'm learning things so it's enough stimulation to keep me interested. Then I came home in rush hour traffic and took a two hour nap until dinner, followed by a couple hours of watching Japanese dramas. And that was my day.

These are scary/depressing times. A plethora of natural disasters, increasing price of food and gas, a weak dollar and rising rates of unemployment. As a Angelino (I don't particularly like that term), the high price of gas is the most depressing. A terrible public transit system and a sprawling collection of cities just makes me want to cry. I pretty much only drive from home to Pasadena (now 5times/week) and that's a 32 mile round trip.

Luckily, I have a TSX that gets relatively good mileage. Mostly uncongested freeway and uncrowded roads (along with my steady driving) allows me to typically average 25 MPG. My car's rated for 21/32 I think. But I've developed a driving strategy that helps optimize my MPG. Okay, so it's not really a strategy per se, but more like coasting, lots of well timed coasting.

I consider coasting acceptable, as long as you aren't going 10MPH slower than the flow of traffic and there aren't others behind you to get caught by your coasting. I've considered drafting, but really, that's just reckless and dangerous driving. I have pretty good reflexes, but I'm not gonna risk an accident just so I can squeeze a few more miles from each gallon of ridiculously overpriced gasoline.

Hmm, I had a feeling I didn't post on Sunday. Oh well. As long as the months aren't embarassingly empty in terms of entry.